Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Starfish Manifesto



This blog is named for the Starfish. Both in literal and figurative practice, emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. Even if you are not personally familiar with Starfish, nor support, the use of Starfish as a verb (i.e. “to Starfish”), or the occasional adjective (i.e. "that girl looks like a Starfish"), we are here today to expose them as a completely uneventful and irrelevant creature.

Starfish Might Have Body Image Issues

It is not entirely the Starfish’s fault. One might say Starfish suffer from low self-esteem. They lack a brain, a backbone, and with no concept of “front” or “backsides," they are just as aesthetically appealing (or unappealing) each way. Though they can choose how many arms they want, most Starfish just call it a day at five. Needless to say, their slow, flubbery movements, yield exceptionally un-hot dating rituals.

Human Starfish

Our concern today is the spreading epidemic of human Starfish. Human beings demonstrate five points in Yoga, Leonardo-DiCapriaro-Titanic-imitation-moments, or - the most serious of all 5-pointed shapes - in bed. With descriptions such as “minimal distinction between front and backside,” “flubbery,” “mushy,” and “preoccupation with food,” a Starfish in bed typically just closes their eyes and pretends it is not actually happening. UrbanDictionary.com thinks that Starfish are only common in women:

“Female sexual partner who remains 'unmoved' during lovemaking, physically non-responsive....A girl that has no talent or technique for sex. That is, she just lays there spread out dead in the water, like a starfish.”


However, current studies have proven that men are just as likely to fall victim. American’s move from hardworking-do-good-er-bed-mates, to the lie-there-and-take-it-mentality, is alarming, and reflected in our high unemployment and obesity rates. To inspire human beings across the nation to start imitating more impressive creatures, we are enacting a “Starfish Manifesto.”

The Starfish Manifesto is Born

1. We as American’s are facing nothing less than an epidemic (quite possibly a pandemic, once ethnic’s mating rituals are explored). This blog is no different than, and probably created under as much duress as the Declaration of Independence.

2. We are here to fight for the right of all mankind to live free from the tyranny of boring sexual experiences.

3. We will fight back the only way we know how; we will launch our revolutionary war not on battlefields, but on blog posts, fighting with witty words not bullets or swords.

4. We will not rest until the world is free from individuals and societal phenomenons that bring nothing to the table, or bedroom.




1 comment:

  1. Part four of your manifesto describes genocide...

    ReplyDelete